I knew this wouldn't be easy, and I would want to give up sometimes. Today is a day like that. I've been feeling really down in the dumps lately and I don't know why. I guess deep down I'm really unhappy and I'm trying to put on a facade like I'm not. I'm trying to do everything I can to pretend I'm not, but I am. I'm feeling alone and worthless and very sad. I don't really know why. I can't put a hold on it exactly. I feel like we're living in this "fake" family and it's starting to wear on me... I live with my ex boyfriend who I love very much, but as a friend, and yet I want to be in my own space where I can be free to be myself, and be open to meeting someone else someday. I feel connected to someone who isn't feeling the same, so I gave up on that, and I'm trying to find a connection in other places. I guess maybe I'm just homesick, and missing whats familiar. I'm scared about meeting new clients, and not being enough for them, and I'm worried that I'm going to fail. I'm very afraid of failing. I'm trying to stay positive... I'm dealing with bad insomnia and yet I'm trying to get up and have a normal life and it's really hard. I am shadowing for a new client tomorrow at 9am for an hour, and I have a regular client every 2 hours on Sunday. I'm getting more clients eventually. I'm trying to stay positive and hope that I'll fit in and we'll get along, but I always fear that I won't be good enough. My self esteem has always been really bad, and I'm trying to improve it. I'm getting frustrated with Isagenix because although it's working, I'm having some setbacks due to insomnia, and it's getting hard for me to get up in the morning and have my morning shot and my shake, because I've had such a crappy nights sleep and I've skipped breakfast. The best I feel is after cleanse days because I actually lose the weight, but now I'm back to 205 and it's really frustrating. I realize that I started out at 215, and I'm down 10 lbs, and that's incredibly rewarding, but I guess I'm just so sick of looking at my fat body in the mirror. The stretch marks, the stomach, and most of all my boobs. I have the worst back pain, and my boobs just hang there like lead weights, and I really want to try to get a breast reduction/augmentation because I KNOW that will make a HUGE difference in my self esteem. They aren't normal breasts, and they are contributing to a lot of health problems. The good thing is I just signed up for health care and I am going to make an appt for a physical to discuss those options with him. Will have to get an xray or mri to determine if there's anything wrong with my spine or sciatica but if I lose weight, and my back still continues to hurt, I know it will be because of my breasts.
It all takes time, and I know that... When I write about it, I do feel better... I just need to get things off my chest.
Alex was pretty much diagnosed with ADHD today. The counselor said she would definitely diagnose him with it just based off of her evaluation and what I've told her. The teacher was a lot less worried, and her paperwork seemed to show him as normal, but some of the comments she made, and some of the things that she circled, in fact all of the things that she circled are key symptoms of ADHD, so he's now going to be seeing a counselor every 2 weeks starting Tuesday and then in 2 weeks we will be seeing a PA to start him on a low dose of medication. I guarantee that will help things settle at home, and he'll be able to concentrate, maybe focus more on school work and boy scouts and be able to follow directions and actually take pride in his surroundings. At least the ball is in motion.
Sarah is growing like a weed, and she's super smart, and what kills me is I feel like I'm missing so much of her growing up. She's really close with daddy, and I haven't really felt close to her in awhile. We do sleep together at night, and stuff but I miss playing barbies, and picking out her clothes (She's super independent) and doing her hair, etc. I feel like being here has changed me... Maybe it's because I'm carrying the weight of everything because Brian, is honestly not able to do much of anything, and I'm just frustrated with everything... I lack energy and motivation sometimes and things get pushed back and I get frustrated because of it, and I just want to curl away in a ball and sleep. I'm the happiest when I'm in bed, and that's no joke. I'm thinking I might see the doc about getting on an anti depressant or possibly an anti anxiety medication. I dunno...just haven't felt this depressed in awhile...and I don't really have a reason to be ya know? I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and feel better about life...because we only have one life, and I really want to make the best of it.
I know when my mom gets here in May things will be different... Hectic, but different. She's a big help with the kids and being able to talk to her about my feelings will help. Honestly, when we move out and I'm on my own, I'll feel better... I think being in this relationship that isn't a relationship is affecting me, because I'm ready to move on, and be independent, but I'm not...I'm stuck, and yet I have nobody to hug me, or hold my hand, or kiss me, and make me feel wanted, so it's really frustrating. I want to be happy with myself more than anything, and I just don't know why I can't see what everyone else sees. My employers (old and new) all said I have a great personality, and they put me with clients that are spunky, and mentally alert, because they think I am, and maybe I'm just a good actor, I don't know...but I feel so inadequate, and small... and maybe I'm just good at faking. I just wish I legitimately felt the way everyone perceives me. No, not everyone loves me. I've had my fair share of critics. Because let's face it, I'm not the smartest crayon in the box, I'm not good at math, I'm a terrible cook (sometimes) but I try to be compassionate, and honest, and most of all, funny...because I want people to smile and laugh. I miss smiling and laughing. Here's what I miss most.. I miss family nights where we all sit down and watch a movie...and I could be doing that right now, but I'm too focused on making a good impression tomorrow at work LOL... I focus too much on one thing when I have to be able to multi task, and my kids will ALWAYS come first...I just wish I could spend more time with them. Selfishly, my dream is to make a living as a writer where I could make bank, stay home, and spend all the time in the world with my kids, because that's when I'm the happiest.... I'm not hole when I'm away from the kids... But it's the life of a single parent, and that's how I feel I am right now... There's just so much I want to accomplish, and I feel like time slips away too fast... I don't know how to explain it but a huge weight is on my shoulders and I just want to ease it off of me..somehow...
When I've made it through a few months of work, and I've settled into a routine with my clients, I will feel more comfortable coming home and enjoying my routine with my kids, because back in Clarkston I did that...I could put work behind me, come home, and just enjoy the evening with the kids, however short the time. That's ALL I want. I don't want to spend any time apart from them and yet I have to, because I'm a better parent when I'm doing things to help support them...and that's what matters to me right now..making sure I can support them..because very soon I will be venturing out on my own and I'll have no choice but to manage it alone...and I HAVE to be able to do it with a smile on my face. We come into this world alone, we die alone, and I have to find my inner peace...that's really what I'm craving more than anything.
I blame it on 7 years... I haven't had the comforting touch of a man in so long... I've craved a hug, a cuddle, a kiss, for so long, and it's really frustrating to want that and not have it, and know that I've wasted so much time with someone who never gave that to me, just so I wouldn't be alone, and now I just want to find someone that wants to get to know me, and wants the same things I do...I don't want to live alone forever, but I've kind of accepted the fact that I'm going to be alone for at least a few more years before I let someone else in...and by that time, I really hope to be in the best place in my life, so I'm willing to share that with someone else, and be proud to let that person in..because right now, I don't really have a lot to say for myself, and that's pretty sad...
I'm trying to take it day by day...Not think too far ahead, but keep the future in mind...it's a juggling act that is hard to manage sometimes.. but I have no choice... I just hope that I can get into a good routine here soon, and find some level of comfort in my job, and in my relationships with these people, and also my relationship with the kids and my family. They mean the world to me, and I just want to spend time with them, and not stress too much on things that I can easily change. If I don't feel comfortable with a client, all I have to do is say so, and I don't have to go back, and I deserve respect, as does the client, so there's no reason I should have any fear of work..... I just have to be confident in my abilities and do my best, be honest, and open, and be who I am...
I just wish I felt like that was enough.
I could sit here and type all day but that really won't change anything... I just have to try to smile, and find things to be happy about...because I really am blessed...I just need to see it.
I gotta get my butt up by 7 tomorrow, have my shot, take a shower, make my shake, and get out the door by 830 to make it to clients by 9, only there an hour, then I'm going to come home, relax, then we're going to meet up with Amber and the kids at container park, and I'm really really going to just enjoy the day..then I'll be working out and soaking in the hottub again like I did tonight, but NO MORE missing shake days. Then Sunday I have client from 10:30-12:30 on my own, hopefully that goes well and then I have the entire day with the kids, so I'm going to make the best of it! Get some cleaning done, and hopefully I'll hear about a new client on Monday. Camping is next Friday and I am soooooooo excited!!!!! Other than 3 days without working out but there will be a LOT of hiking that I hope to take part in, and I'm going to keep up with my shakes and eat very little otherwise, but bring snacks for Alex. Brian and Sarah are staying home so it's just gonna be me and Alex, so I can bring my air mattress! YAY!! We are going to get a LOT checked off on his book. We'll be sharing camp with Steph and Debi and I'm really happy about that...those girls are awesome..Alex, Greyson, and Omar get along pretty well so hopefully it won't be as uncomfortable as last time... I dunno, just really looking forward to a few days away, and I LOOOOOOOOVE camping... SO yeah, that's the next week or so.
Gotta go to bed so I can get up early, so I guess I'll be back tomorrow or Sunday... Hoping to get back on track with Isagenix and lose some more weight... I know step backs are in the cards, just hope not to have too many of them! HATE GOING BACKWARDS!!!!!!!!
Til next time, XOXO
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