All I can say is, OUCH! My first day of work behind me, and today no call from work so I'm hoping they are finding me a full time client (which is what I want) but boy did I hurt...EVERYWHERE. I literally could not get out of bed without my entire body hurting, mostly my back. I know it's from lifting, and overdoing it housekeeping wise both at work and at home. I forget I'm 30 sometimes, I really do. I don't usually look or feel 30. Sometimes it baffles me that I even AM 30. I feel more like 25 :) but not today...no sir...I felt more like 45. I ended up resting most of the morning and sadly I didn't have any shakes today. I took my pills, and tried to drink lots of water, and had a snack. I had 2 slices of vegetarian pizza and felt bad about even those. I took a hot bath and that helped a lot, I also took some ibuprofen and used a hot pack for a few hours. After the bath I feel 75% better. I was going to skip the gym tonight but I just can't. I'm going to take it easy though.
Debi (my workout buddy) started another job so she has training tonight and all week so I'm doing the gym solo :( Not really thrilled about that, but I'm realizing now that I'm on my own...and I have to find satisfaction in that.
That's why I've been in a relationship for so long...an unhappy one. I'm afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. I realize now how inadequate I feel about myself. It's almost like I need someone else to validate that I'm a good person. On my own, I don't feel it. I'm lacking so much self confidence that it's startling. My first day of work definitely proved that, because I couldn't feel good about myself, and that stung...even when I was complimented... I just want to feel GOOD about myself. I want to know that if I spend the rest of my life alone, with no companion, that I'll always love myself enough to spend time with me. I used to crave independence...I still do sometimes. I love to read, write, take walks, and THINK... but not all the time, and lately I'm alone in almost all my thoughts. I crave touch, affection, friendship... and all my friends are super busy, so I have to settle for on occasional facebook post. I am sooooooo lucky to have such amazing friends. They asked me how work went, they wished me luck, and made me feel amazing. My brother called to ask about it, and we had a nice conversation, and he made great points..My job is customer service 110% and I really have to love what I'm doing or I can't do my best. I think of my kids, and how much I enjoy taking care of them. When they are sick, I want nothing more than to make them feel better. I love to see them smile. Same with my friends and family, so I realize that Caregiving is EXACTLY what I was meant to be doing, with other hobbies to satisfy my other creative cravings.
Today was rough... I was worried I might not even be able to take a job if I was asked to. It hurt THAT bad... but tonight I'm hopeful that with some rest and relaxation tonight, I'll be revving to go tomorrow if I'm called. I got all the housework done today, was able to work through the pain, and it's nice to have most of the house complete. Brian's taken over Sarah's room, and go figure...IT'S TRASHED, but that's basically where he spends most of his time now, and where he sleeps, so I don't even go in there. I'll be happy when Sarah has her own space again...Hell, I'll be happy when *I* have my own space. I'll be living with my mom & Randy for at least a year while I try to find something for myself. Paying 1/3 of the rent is just too good to pass up, and I can't afford the countless bills and obligations I have without it. But someday...mark my words, I will be able to get into my OWN place, and whether it's a 1, 2, or 3 bedroom, it will be MINE.
In the meantime, just have to keep plugging away with Isagenix, and keep making myself available for work, keep claiming unemployment and keep my eye on the prize - HAPPINESS.
Won't get there overnight... but I have to keep motivated. I also started my period, so that was part of why I was just no good today...yet still I managed to get everything done...hope that never changes...because I know soon it will be up to me and only me to do so!
Ta ta for now, gotta go work out..ALONE :(
XOXO
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