NO MOTIVATION!!!!!!

Where is the motivation?!  I'm a vampire.  Sleeping during the day and up all night.  I can't begin to describe the unrest that I'm feeling.  I am so ill at ease that I want to crawl out of my own skin.  I think I've realized that I've been so numb to what I haven't been getting, that when I feel for a second a connection with another human being, it awakens me to how long I've been "settling."   I can't really explain the feelings that are there, but I'm feeling a connection to someone - strong, and almost out of this world, and so UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING that I want to burst.  This person is unattainable, and although we have a clear connection, and words have been spoken, I'm not "going there" and it's unnerving.  I've missed human connection.  A touch, a whispered endearment, a passionate embrace, a kiss, ANYTHING.   I've been in a loveless relationship for so long, and maintaining my monogamy because it isn't in me to cheat, or even think about it, but since we've broken up I've just thought about what I miss.  Butterflies, first dates, first kisses... In fact, I haven't even been on a real date before.  Never been courted, never had a silly one night stand.  NO, I've always jumped into relationships.  A good friend was right, she said I needed to work on me for awhile, stay single, find what makes ME happy - and she's right.  I know that.  But she's also been in my shoes and knows how hard it is to have been in a relationship for years without intimacy and what it can do to you.  It makes you think something is wrong with you, it makes you feel undesirable, and it hurts.  I just want to feel wanted.  I've felt it lately, and it's like a drug, and it's addicting.  I've had things come to light that may shock my family, and yet, I'm not ashamed of myself, or what I feel.  Feelings are feelings, no matter who its for.  But my friend is right, I need to work on myself and my happiness.

I slept in today and didn't do my shakes! I have to wake up early and start those, but I'm really hoping and praying that I can get some sleep tonight and get up early at least to get my shakes and pills out of the way, then go back to bed.  I have to go shopping for the chips for Alex's boy scouts ceremony tomorrow and he will be earning his Webelos badge, very exciting.

There's so much I want to say, and so much I'm feeling - and I just want to scream, at the top of my lungs, and cry, until I can't cry anymore... but I have to keep going...that's my only option. 

Being a rock is tough sometimes....